She was the Glue

I was thinking the other day about my mom. Well, to be honest, I think about her at least once a day. I miss her just as much now as the day she decided to leave this earth for more exciting adventures. I was thinking about our family...immediate and extended, and how we just don't keep up. It is not on one side or the other as in an uneven share of the blame. Like I keep up with my Aunt's and they don't keep up with me. No that is not it! We all just haven't kept up with each other.

This brings me to why I am choosing this current title. I believe that my mother was the glue that bound us all together. She kept up, she made and massaged the connections, wrote the letters, made the plans and kept them, and kept it fresh like a bunch of new flowers just put into a vase. When she was around we regularly visited with family near and far...all over Ontario and other places too. We sat around eating cookies and drinking tea and shared stories of our life and trials. She made it look easy. I know now that it wasn't.

I feel a lot of guilt for not keeping up with my Aunties and Uncles and Cousins and I feel the most guilt that my sister and brother are either too far away to visit with, in the case of my sister, or too busy, in the case of my brother. My step dad and his wonderful family live in Nova Scotia and we haven't seen them since mom passed away, and my dad and step mom have a very busy retired life that doesn't always mesh with everyones' schedule. It appears too hard to push for gatherings and so we don't. Can you believe that we are satisfied with this? We just don't! I think my mother would be so disappointed in us. She was our Julie of the love boat, our event planner au contraire...our tie that binds....our glue. Who will step up to be our new glue?

I feel like a woman!

I feel so womanly after I get my toes painted!

and...

No, these are not my toes

"THEY" say you should never look back

I still live in the same town as the 2 houses I once called home are situated. I never see one, yet ALWAYS see the other. When we would drive by it my little son used to forlornly state with his nose pressed up against the car window. Mommy why can't we still live in the peachy house? That is what he called it then and still calls it now, as it is a pleasant peachy beige colour on a beautiful pie shaped lot with big trees. It was very sad. I try not to drive by it as much when I am with the kids, so as not to induce a tug at our heart strings. It is better that way. One time about a year ago I drove by it and noticed there was a for sale sign proudly stuck on the front lawn. For one split second I thought...maybe I should buy it back. Then that voice came.

Wait for it...wait for it...BUT HEATHER, you must never go backwards. You must always go forwards.

We sold and left that little perfect peachy house when our marriage split up about 10 years ago. There were memories in that house, some I remember and most I do not. Most not good. The good ones were a memorial garden party for my moms passing, Shovelling a double driveway at midnight in the still of a winters night, and little kids running around growing up. That is about it. the rest I blocked out because it was too sad or painful. At the end of our time there I realised that the house was really just four walls that housed and unhappy family. We could have a house anytime anywhere and love would conquer all. That is how I disassociated myself from leaving my sweet home. In the end it was what was inside that was most important.

As the years go by, things in our past become sketchy and more desirable. We change or alter stories just a bit each time we tell them to make them more attractive. I know deep in my heart that going backwards is never an option. I can look back, but I must be brutally honest with myself as to why I am not still there and why I decided to move forward. moving forward to new adventures and new people, or new versions of old people. New opportunities.

I have so much to look forward too. So many exciting adventures. A new home possibly and a new love. A new close knit family and a new uncharted future. I can look back and remember, but I must never go back. Today I choose to move forward.

You know you're a woman living on the edge of a new and smooth road when...

Just recently the city decided to newly pave the intersection right next to my house. They also a paved a stretch of road about half a mile down from one of the four arms. Everyday I have the pleasure driving down or up it as the case may be when I return from driving my son to school. It struck me funny as all my thoughts do at one time or another. I come up with these sentences that make excellent titles for the chapters of my future book. This time I thought about an old road and a new road. The old road is bumpy and familiar and we are comfortable with its' wiggling and winding. We know when to put on the brakes and we know when to veer off to the left or right depending on where the deep manhole cover has indented over time. It is a comfortable ride, even if it not totally comfortable. It is well known to us and this is what brings the texture and comfort to our minds.

You can relate this to life in a big way, as you know I always manage to do. Sometimes we get on a road, and it is so well worn and so safe that we get scared to take another route. This can be detrimental to experienceing life to the fullest. We can become predictable and one day wake up to find that we are boring and unhappy with what or where we have come from. Taking a new road would mean research, extra time and most likely extra gas. focusing on taking a new road in our lives takes so much energy that sometimes we opt to remain of the old and comfortable road.

As I drove down this new road the other day I paid close attention to how it felt. It was smooth and slick and the leaves wisked quickly across it as the wind blew. My car loved it and for me it was exhilerating! I love being one of the first people to drive on new pavement. I couldn't help think about my own life as I drove along this new road and how there have been so many hardships and roadblocks put up infront of me wherever I turn. I keep asking what is the next step in my journey what road am I to take. No answer came.

The Tree Stands Alone

Why do I sometime feel so sad and lost?

Sometimes I think that my sadness and lonliness gets the better of me, and then I feel like I want to give up on everything I have worked so hard for. Why would I even contemplate this?
I am a smart and vibrant young woman with lots to live for and yet sometimes I feel like this tree in the picture above...standing all alone, bearing all the weight if the world on it's shoulders, and outside and exposed to all the harsh elements.

Today a friend offered for me to pick from one of her inspirational cards to receive a message for the day. The one that was given to me by the universe was one that said...that I should spend some more time giving myself some attention and that the lack of attention from others was wearing on me.

I almost began to cry when I read this.

I feel as if I have all the love and attention I need from my great friends and family. Where I am lacking is in the interest of someone who stanbd beside me as a mate, a confident, a supporter, believer, and a lover. It is here that I find the hole in my life causing me so much sadness.

When will it be my turn?

Life is good....but hard.

I was looking for a picture today to portray hard or tough, and I came across this quote on the internet. I want to tell you that when my brain is working right I realize that things aren't really that bad for me at this point in my life. When my brain is not looking outside into the world, I am a firm believer that everyone's "hard" is relative to their own experience. If you feel you are having a hard time, then that is your reality.

What do I know to be true? I know that I have my health, my family has its' health, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my cupboards, I have a job that I love, I have loving and supportive friends, I have an extended family that is there if I need them, I have mentors and a business support network that would stretch for miles if they all heald hands. WOW! I have a lot!

So why do I sometimes lament that I do not have enough love in my life? Why do I look to other things that seem so out of reach? Is this something that all human beings do....relative to their own existence and stature in the world? It must be that I am not alone.

If you have ever felt this way then let me know. Share with me how you have dealt with it and maybe we could work through it together. I feel very lost when I get into this mode of thinking. why is what I have already.....not enough.

I'm Proud of You

Today I am going to tell my children that I am proud of them!

The three of us have been through so much as a family in the last five years. Deaths - Divorce - Financial hardship - and the rest! It has been a real rough go. As the mother, and sole caregiver, I have been so concerned with the health of my children both mentally and physically. Now that I can look back on the years gone by, it seems that this task was all consuming. it was like a brick hit me in the head! I had been tightening the reigns so tight that that they had no breathing room. This is a trait of a mother living in the 2000's. It is such a scary time with all the society issues.

This week I have had to give my children quite a bit more responsibility than they have had in the past. I was VERY worried that they would not be able to cope. Let's put it this way...they had ZERO responsibilities before, and now they have 100% responsibility (just to give you an idea). They have proved me wrong and showed me that I can give them that added responsibility and not have too many worries...let's face it I am still a mother...that designation gives me a licence to worry.

Don't get me wrong, I offered them an incentive program, and have all the consequences in place for when they do not following the new rules. They are quite clear on all that. They have just met and exceeded my expectations this week and I feel like I want to shout it from the roof top that.....

I am VERY proud of my children!